Buzz words? Buzz off

We’ve all been in meetings, or most recently Zoom calls that go on for over an hour that could have easily been a simple email. Just this week I had a sales report meeting for 45 minutes just to say everything’s going well and our new Star sign mug collection is a real hit. I know it’s a hit; I can see the orders leaving the barn!

Why do we do it? Are we all sitting here thinking the same thing, but no one has the guts to say anything? Well, I am saying something. Right here, right now. 

Stop it.

Stop with the unnecessary meetings, the emails that go back and forth, and don’t even get me started on marketing ‘buzz’ words. Even buzz word is irritating…it’s a buzz word in itself.

I don’t want to name names, but the barn owl is the worst for this. Just because he can fly and turn his head 360° he thinks he’s all-seeing and all-knowing. I’m glad he works the night shift, so I don’t see him that often.

Even the ducks have started joining in. They actually get into a row and laugh every time anyone says, ‘get your ducks in a row’. It was cute at first but now, it’s really ducking annoying. Our Duck off mug was probably made for this reason.

Irritating marketing speak

In light of recent events, I’ve had to take drastic action and put a memo up on the barn notice board simply titled ‘Do not say these words. Ever’. I run a tight ship here and like to get things done my way. That’s why you’ll never see me without my Boss mug that’s always filled with strong coffee to keep me alert to any of this drivel. I’ve taken the liberty of summarising it for you:

Dear Dirty Old Goat employees both human and otherwise,

Effective immediately, the following words and phrases are not to be used on DoG property:

  • ‘We need some blue-sky thinking’
  • ‘Let’s circle back’
  • ‘Just keep it on your radar’
  • ‘Can we touch base tomorrow?’
  • ‘We need to think outside the box’
  • ‘This is a game-changer’
  • ‘As long as we’re singing from the same hymn sheet’
  • And the most loathsome of them all – ‘Don’t let the grass grow too long on this one.’ (My employees are mostly goats do you think there’s much grass left at all?)

This list is not exhaustive and can be changed or updated at any time. If anyone is found to be using any of these words or phrases more than three times, they will be put on cleaning duties in the pigpen for the foreseeable future.

Harsh? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely. I’m a straight down the line kind of goat and enough is enough. None of these words actually mean anything. You won’t find any of that pretentious nonsense as long as I’m around. You shouldn’t need lots of fancy words and phrases that no one understands just to sell your products. Simplicity is the key to profitability.

Our mugs are great, you should buy one.

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