By the goat, for the goat

Over the human side of the fence, there’s been a lot of talk about elections, prime ministers, and politics. It’s not something I usually bother myself with, after all, I’ve got mugs to create and goats to rule over manage. The whole ‘putting together a manifesto so people will vote for me’ thing got me thinking about what I’d change around here.

Before you say anything, I’m not worried about my position at Dirty Old Goat. I already know it won’t be necessary for me to be elected for anything. My role as CEO is securely cemented, and my loyal subjects’ employees adore me. But just for fun, I decided to put together a few of the policies I’d lead with. I would put them into place immediately if I were to become Presminister or whatever it’s called.

Free hay for all

This would be top of the list. It breaks my heart to see so many go without hay. I don’t think I’ve ever seen our humans eat any hay at all. They love us so much that they save it all for us and miss out on that sharp, bland goodness. Well, no more. Hay is a basic goat right that no species, big or small, should have to pay for.

Freedom to jump on anything, anywhere, anytime

Jumping is exercise and exercise is important for your overall wellbeing. Jumping just makes sense! I’m so tired of all these rules about not jumping on car bonnets and/or toddlers - we should be able to jump freely! And after a few coffees from our, I’m slow, coffee helps mug, who knows how high you’ll be able to jump?*

Mandatory petting three times a day

I would like to put forward the policy that all goats must be petted three times per day. Under the chin is my favourite, but each to their own. I wouldn’t be so mean as to put in time restrictions; any time will do. Just make sure you get your ‘three a day’.

Mugs to be purchased by everyone at least twice per year

Mugs really are the perfect gift. I wouldn’t want anyone to miss out on any of our new designs. By making the purchase of two a year compulsory, you can keep up to date with all the latest we have to offer and keep your mug collection looking dandy.

Actually now I think about it, there’s quite a lot I’d like to put right. I’d insist goats’ cheese was available on every menu, the heating costs for barns was subsidised and that the stigma around goatee beards was eliminated entirely with immediate effect THEY ARE COOL OK?!

Well, it seems all of this may have gone to my head. A thirst for power has consumed me. I need a moment to return to my usual CEO level of self-importance. This may take a while.

*I take no responsibility for any injuries caused by excessive jumping. Be jump aware.

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