If I were a sportsgoat…

As I was wandering around the field last weekend, I somehow ended up at the humans’ house looking into their window. Some may call it nosiness, but I prefer to call it lovingly observing.

They were watching something called Formula 1 racing when suddenly there was a horrific crash, and the car turned into a fireball. Thankfully, the driver escaped with a few mild burns, but it was still shocking to see. The racing driver life is flash and glamourous, but it’s easy to lose sight that they are basically driving rocket-powered go-karts every weekend.

The F1 driver lifestyle would certainly suit me, but the driving definitely wouldn’t. There are far too many buttons on those steering wheels for my hooves to handle.

I made my way back and thought there are so many different sports, but how do you know which one you’re good at? As I looked around the barn, I saw all the animals of different shapes and sizes and started thinking about which sport they’d like to try. In fact, I decided to go one better and actually ask them. I skipped the pigs though - I can’t imagine they are going to be up for any forced physical activity unless over-eating becomes a sport.

I started with the cows, who after going back and forth between synchronised swimming and tennis eventually decided on rugby, which I thought was a sensible choice. They’re...heavily set so the rough nature of the game wouldn’t bother them. I’ve jumped on them many times and they hardly know I’m there. Plus they’ve got strong teeth to keep hold of the ball. Seriously, cows are more violent than you think. They seemed pretty excited about the idea of it, so I’ve made a note to get them our talk about rugby mug for Christmas.

We’ve got a few squirrels that hang around the barn who said they’d like to try their hand at gymnastics. They are quite flexible and nimble in the trees so I think they would be able to hold their own. They will literally bend over backwards for a nut or two. One of the sheep said they’d like to try cricket so naturally the rest of them followed suit. After chatting for a while I realised they had absolutely no idea what cricket was never mind knowing how to play it. I said I’d give them one of our cricket explained mugs to help them get their heads around it. 

Goats on the other hand are definitely the animal you want on your team. Climbing - mountains, trees, cows, you name it - high jump, hurdles, even swimming is in our arsenal. I may be biased, but it’s probably easier to list the sports that goats are not good at. 

It would be quite a scene with the animals lined up and raring to go chasing the 1st place trophy. Of course, the real winners will be the organiser of the games who will be seen as a trailblazer for barnyard Olympics. Look out for the first Dirty Old Goat organised sporting event in 2021.


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